The Scent of Raspberry
by InRainville
Summary: Tragedy complicates Minamo and Yukari's relationship. Reviews welcome.
1. Chapter 1

The Scent of Raspberry

Minamo stared straight down at the paperwork on her desk, eyes running down a list of proficiency items for her upcoming class but none of the meaning making it up to her brain. Her face felt numb, and it occurred to her that she probably hadn't moved a muscle in a good half hour or so, but the realization didn't motivate her to get up or change position. Instead she turned her eyes back to the paperwork on her desk, seeing, not understanding, repeating the same cycle she'd been stuck on ever since she heard the news.

She heard Yukari's voice coming down the hallway outside the faculty office, yammering out some nonsense chant about... steak? or juice? Maybe it was both... and then another realization hit her.

_Yukari doesn't know._

The thought hung there for a moment, before it was replaced with an even worse one.

_I've got to tell her._

The lead weight that had been settled in Minamo's stomach turned red hot and started to climb up her throat for a moment, but she swallowed and breathed deeply, closing her eyes until the nausea passed.

Yukari opened the door to the office, her song climaxing with the lyric "...and I like it RARE!" as Minamo brushed tears from her eyes and looked up at her friend entering the room.

"Yukari, I've got some bad news..."

"Steak! My homeroom versus yours in an all-day decathlon, and the winner has to buy the loser a steak dinner! Or at least a soda! Sounds great, right? We'll start at lunchtime..."

"Yukari, listen, I've got to tell you..."

"Now, I think we should make the dinner for tonight, because that's when I'll want the steak, unless of course your side wins in which case it'll have to be after Friday because that's payday and I'm pretty much broke until then..."

"Yukari!"

"If you have another date set up with your fiancee, I'm sure you can cancel it, or maybe we can get him to come along and he can buy both of us steaks, that would be great, and then I could save my steak dinner from you for another time..."

"Yukari, listen to me!" Minamo stood up and grabbed her friend's arms, staring her right in the eyes, watching as it finally broke through Yukari's bulldozer momentum that something was out of the ordinary today.

"Yukari, there's been an accident. Some of the girls from the school are... they didn't..." Minamo stopped to choke back a sob.

"Nyamo... what girls? What happened? Did someone get hurt?"

"Yukari..." But Minamo was shut down again by another sob. She took a deep breath, followed by another, and tried again, only to be cut off by the school intercom system.

"Students, teachers and staff, this is the principal. It is with deep regret that I must inform you that a great tragedy has befallen our school."

Minamo sank back into her chair, and put her face in her hands. Yukari looked at the intercom speaker, and then back at Minamo as the announcement continued.

"This weekend, an accident claimed the lives of seven of our senior students. Please bow your heads in silence as I read the following names."

"Chiyo Mihama..."


	2. Chapter 2

"That's... that's terrible, Minamo. I'm so sorry. How did it happen?"

Minamo and her fiancee sat at a small, cozy table in the back of a quiet bar, halfway between his office and her school. Shiro Watanabe was an average sized man, but he seemed smaller. Like the swarms of salarymen who lived in Tokyo, he was almost always in a business suit, but where other men fit into the herd, Shiro seemed to become part of the background, drawing no attention to himself until he stepped forward.

But for all of that, he was as kind and decent a man as Minamo had ever met, a different breed entirely from most of the men she'd gone out with in the past - loutish college boys and salarymen trying to convince themselves and the world there was more to their life than the office. Shiro was Shiro, and seemed content with that. He was, if anything, even more conventional and boring than Minamo herself (she hated to admit it, but there it was), but he could be a rock when needed, and she was never more glad to have him than now.

"It was... an accident at the amusement park, they said. I guess the girls were there for a Sunday trip, and they were on one of the roller coasters. The track... came loose at one of the curves, and..."

Shiro reached across the table to take her hand, and squeezed it once, firmly. "How terrible."

But Minamo wanted to continue, to get it all out so she wouldn't have to come back to it. "They were all in the one car, it seems... as soon as it happened, the emergency brakes went on all over the rest of the track, but it was too late for them." She sniffed, and looked up at Shiro.

"It's strange, now that I think about it. Most of the girls were very close, they were a group and went around together. Chiyo-chan, Osaka, Tomo, Yomi, Sakaki... Yukari and I even chaperoned them on beach trips, once or twice..." She paused. "Kaorin I didn't know as well, but Kagura was on the swim team. I advised them, she was a wonderful athlete..."

"I'm so sorry."

"They must have run into each other there or something..." She stopped, dropped her head down again, and they sat in silence for a few minutes. Then Shiro cleared his throat and asked gently, "Is there... will there be a memorial service? Would you... do you need me there?"

"I... no, I think the families are having private services, close relatives only. The school is having an assembly tomorrow, but it's during the day and it'll just be students and teachers. Besides, Yukari'll be there for me, and I'll be there for Yukari, so it'll work out."

"I understand. But you know if there's anything you need from me..."

"No, no, I know. You're so good to me, Shiro..."

Shiro gave a small bow in acknowledgment, but said nothing. He took a sip of his beer, paused a moment, and said, "Perhaps we should speak of something else for a while. I meant to tell you, my mother has finally picked out a place for the reception."

"Oh, good!" Minamo sat back at the table and let Shiro continue, letting the minutia of Shiro's mother's endless dithering over the wedding wash over her, mostly taking her mind off of the day's events.

Mostly.


	3. Chapter 3

Shiro saw her off at the train station, and she stared out the window at the city lights drifting past all the way to her own stop. The walk from there was long, but fairly pleasant, past houses and a small park and the occasional small restaurant.

As she walked, her mind turned back to Yukari, who had taken the news... well, she wasn't sure. Now that she considered it, Minamo wasn't certain she'd ever seen Yukari receive any truly bad news. Yukari had never faced a death in the family, had never had a bad break-up with a boyfriend (she never seemed bothered at all when they ran away, actually), had gotten into her chosen college and a job at her old high school without any great difficulty (although Minamo herself had had considerably more stress over both.) The nearest she'd ever seen Yukari come to disappointment was when her ambition overreached - denied victory in come contest, or took some glancing blow to the ego as students or peers failed to worship her greatness - but Yukari never let things bother her for long, preferring to move on to some new idea or obsession in mere minutes.

Yukari was... simple, admirably so, in that way.

But this morning Yukari had just... deflated, right in front of her. She'd sat down at her desk, asked a few questions about what had happened, and then had said nothing, staring straight ahead at her ridiculously overloaded desk until the bell for class had rung.

Minamo's own students were subdued, occasionally tearful, but nothing unexpected. Those who were in Yukari's homeroom told Minamo that Yukari had said something about it being a hard situation on everyone, and had spent the rest of the class acting as businesslike as possible, the complete opposite of her normal behavior.

After school, Minamo had tried to find Yukari, but had only found Kimura, thankfully on the up side of his saint/pervert cycle. Kimura had said he'd seen Yukari leave as soon as her last class was over, and would Minamo please convey his deepest condolences to Miss Yukari?

Of course, she'd said, and hurried away before he could say something insane.

It was too late to stop by Yukari's house, but perhaps tomorrow she could take Yukari out for drinks, or maybe just a cup of coffee...

"Nyamo?"

Minamo turned, startled, to look at the stairway opposite the lobby elevator in her building. Yukari was sitting halfway up the first flight of steps, looking down at her. She'd obviously been crying, her eyes red and ringed with dark circles, not a look Minamo had ever seen on her friend.

"Yukari! You frightened me... Are you ok? I was worried about you..."

Yukari shrugged, but made no move to get up, so Minamo climbed the stairs and sat down next to her.

"I'm sorry, I know it's late to come by, I just... I tried being at home, but I couldn't stop thinking about it no matter what I did, and I didn't want to go to a bar and I couldn't think of anything else to do so I came here but you weren't here and..." Yukari broke off, lowered her head, and Minamo put her arm around her.

"It's ok, I'm glad to see you. Look, why don't you come up, and we can have some tea or something?" Yukari nodded almost imperceptibly, and they went down to the elevator, and up to Minamo's apartment.

Inside, Minamo sat Yukari down on the bed, and bustled around the kitchenette, making the tea and laying out the cookies Yukari usually liked, breaking out her nice cups and plates... anything to give her a few moments to figure out how to deal with the shell of her friend sitting in her apartment.

After a few minutes, it was ready, and laid out on the coffee table. "Yukari, it's ready. Would you like to come over here?"

But Yukari sat where she was, giving no sign she'd heard. Minamo approached her friend, tentatively, unsure of what to do or say.

"Yukari?"

Yukari looked up at Minamo, tears streaming down her cheeks, saying nothing but wearing an expression that caused Minamo physical pain, her chest tightening and her eyes stinging in sympathy for her friend. She sat down next to Yukari, putting her arm around her and turning to look her in the face.

"Yukari... I... don't know what I can say. It's just a terrible, terrible thing..."

But she didn't have a chance to say more. Yukari kissed her, suddenly, passionately, and pushed her back, toppling both of them onto the bed together.


	4. Chapter 4

Minamo had only been physically intimate with Yukari a handful of times over the years... well, perhaps a double handful... three or four handfuls, at the most...

They'd started by indulging in some tentative kissing and petting in high school, moving on to more serious experimentation in college, usually on long, boring nights when neither of them had dates, their drunken walks leading them back to their dorm room, and Yukari's bed.

Afterwards, lying in a hastily arranged cocoon of sheets, Yukari snoring like a soft, warm chainsaw beside her, Minamo would stare up at the ceiling and marvel at the irony of how Yukari - petulant, whiny, self-centered Yukari - could be such a sweet, giving, considerate lover. It was a game between the two of them, eliciting more laughs than anything else, Yukari staring attentively at Minamo more often than not, her face wearing a mischievous grin as she worked to find new ways to tease, tickle, and at the end, evoke perfect little gasps of pleasure.

But they'd done less and less of that after college, and not at all since Minamo had told Yukari about wanting to take an arranged marriage last year, on a warm spring evening beneath the cherry trees. Outwardly, nothing changed about their relationship, but Minamo did find herself going out with Yukari less and less, and Shiro more and more as plans for the wedding solidified.

On a handful (one small handful) of occasions she and Shiro had ended up at her apartment, and made love. Shiro wasn't the first man she'd ever slept with, but he wasn't greatly different from the rest - it was almost always more intense than what she'd had with Yukari, but clumsier, a bit rougher, and more one-sided. Staring up at Shiro just before the end, Minamo could see how much of a hunt it was for him, one that left him triumphant and her, the prey, captured beneath him. Afterwards, in the cocoon, next to Shiro (who snored less than Yukari, even if he wasn't as pleasant to lie beside) she stared up at the ceiling and wryly wondered if this would be her married life for the next forty years.

But tonight Yukari was different - selfish, but not in the way that Shiro was. Instead, Yukari held her close, and kissed her fiercely, everywhere, as if she was trying to make sure that Minamo was real, was there in bed with her, safe and whole. For a few moments, Minamo held back, unsure of if this should go on, or what had changed with Yukari, but soon she found herself responding in kind. It was a relief to finally let what had happened in the past go... or it would have been, if Minamo had any attention left to notice that she'd set the grief down for a moment. Instead, her world focused, narrowing tighter and tighter into the touch, scent, and sight of Yukari.

Yukari, Yukari, Yukari.

Yukari.


	5. Chapter 5

Afterwards, she held Yukari close for a long time... hours, perhaps, as the other woman tightened into a fetal ball and let out soft, quiet sobs. Minamo had nothing to say in comfort, but did what she could, wordlessly telling her friend to blow her nose, drink a glass of water, and get under the covers. In the end, they drifted to sleep together and woke up only when Minamo's alarm clock went off at five-thirty, announcing the time for her morning run.

Minamo's first reaction was to shut it off entirely and return to hard-won sleep - only a nagging sense of duty forced her to fumble through the right combination of buttons and set it for seven instead, just enough time to jump in the shower and dress and make it to school in time.

But just as she settled back down again, Yukari pushed herself up, clumsily crawling to the foot of the bed and standing up, gathering her clothes together from the night before.

"Yukari? It's still early, we can sleep some more..."

"No, I've got to get home... the ceremony, remember? We have to dress up a little, and it'll take me a while to get there and then back to school."

"Well, let me throw something on, I'll come with you, we can get some breakfast or something on the way..."

"No." Yukari finished buttoning her skirt and threw on her sweater, and came over to stand by the bed, looking down at Minamo. "No, it's ok, you get a little more sleep. Thank you for last night, Nyamo, I... really needed that. But I think I'll be ok for now, really."

"If you're sure..."

"Yeah, I think so." Yukari leaned down and gave her a quick hug, and a kiss on the cheek. "Get some more rest, ok?"

"Ok," said Minamo, not sure of what else to do. She settled back in the bed and watched Yukari gather the rest of her things and close the door, leaving the room dark except for dim orange streetlight falling through the balcony curtains.


	6. Chapter 6

Minamo arrived at school on time, but frazzled and jittery from getting far too little sleep. The assembly was at the end of the day, so she could at least wear her usual track suit to work and change after the last class. Even so, she felt uncomfortable in her own skin, clumsy and slow.

Classes dragged - none of the students were terribly energetic, and several girls broke out in tears in the middle of various activities. She gently took them aside and let them sit on the bleachers, then returned to the rest of the class to try and get their energy back up, but it was a losing battle. Everyone was just drifting through the motions, waiting for the end of the day, and they all felt it.

Finally it was time to herd her homeroom into their assigned rows in the auditorium, and for once she was thankful that the students were so subdued - even the most rambunctious of the boys filed down into their seats without incident.

Once her class was settled, she made her way to the stage where the faculty were seated in folding chairs flanking the podium. Yukari was a few rows back, nearly right behind the podium, with no one seated next to her. Minamo sat down beside her and started to ask how she was holding up, but thought the better of it - Yukari was hunched over with her arms folded, and didn't look much in the mood for polite chatter at the moment.

They waited in silence as the school principal walked to the podium and began his speech - long and dull, as per his usual, full of empty language and banal observations. Minamo was more concerned with Yukari, who had curled up even tighter than before and was beginning to rock back and forth, gently but noticeably. Softly, just at the edge of her hearing, she began to hear Yukari chanting to herself, over and over, "I can't do it. I can't do it. I can't do it..."

"Yukari?" Minamo reached over to touch Yukari's arm and get a better look at her face. "Are you ok?"

Yukari looked up suddenly, not crying but her face utterly pale, eyes wide and an expression that must have been fear, but it was like nothing she'd ever seen on Yukari's face. "Minamo, I can't go up there," she whispered.

Just then the principal stopped speaking and turned around, looking at the two of them in expectation. Minamo stared at him for a moment in confusion, and then her memory played back what he'd just finished saying - that Miss Yukari Tanizaki, a favorite teacher of the deceased students, would now come forward to share her memories of the girls.

Minamo glanced across quickly at Yukari, then squeezed her friend on the arm, stood up, and strode to the podium. The principal held his position for a moment, but stood aside at the last moment and let Minamo stand at the microphone.

"Miss Tanizaki has asked me to say a few words in her place." Minamo paused for a moment to look out at the assembled students, who were, for once, giving her their undivided attention. But she knew what she wanted to say, what she had to say, and started talking.

"The students who... died... this past weekend... were, in many ways, unique. Some of them had truly exceptional qualities, and I think those of you who knew them, particularly Chiyo Mihama... Chiyo-chan... and Sakaki and Kagura, understand that. Others weren't particularly exceptional academically or athletically, but they stood out as people, as human beings, and they were as memorable as anyone you'll ever meet."

She looked down at the podium a moment, sighed, and raised her head again to look out at the audience. "But at the same time, the girls who died were just like us... each and every one of us. They had the same joys and problems the rest of us did, they had the same homework assignments and ate the same food and wore the same uniforms. And what happened to them was random and arbitrary and unfair, and I think that scares us all a little, because it could have just as easily happened to anyone here today."

"And I think... I think that's why this hits so hard, and hurts so much. Because it was a group of people who died, a group that was full of people who were just like your best friends, just like you, it's almost the same as it happening to you, or someone close to you. It's like, from each of us, something cut just a little piece of us out and took it away, and now we all, collectively, have these little holes in us."

"And we go through the day with this hole in us, and we don't know what to do and it doesn't go away and it doesn't stop hurting."

She could hear some quiet sniffling from out in the audience, and saw some of the students holding hands, or putting their arms around close friends. She pushed on.

"It will get better, though. It will stop hurting so much, bit by bit, and then it'll stop hurting at all, and things will go back to the way they were. And we'll all leave this school someday, and go on with our lives, and we won't remember the girls who died this weekend anymore."

"And that's ok. It's good to heal, it's necessary, and if you never healed, if you never let go of the grief, then every bad thing that happened to you would cut a little more of you away, and eventually there'd be nothing left of you."

"But that's why it's important for us to take time and understand here, and now, what's happened, and what we've lost. It's important to remember these people... Sakaki, Yomi, Tomo, Chiyo, Kaorin, Kagura, Osaka... and take one last time to appreciate what made them special, because we won't always remember them. And because remembering them helps us, those who are left, to understand what... to understand _who_ is special in our lives, because nothing lasts forever, and we need to appreciate what we've got while we've got it."

"And that's all I have to say."

She turned away from the podium, and walked back to her seat, buoyed up just a little by the gentle but steady applause, and sat down by Yukari, who was still hunched over but who reached over and grabbed her hand, squeezing it hard.

The principal took the podium again. "Thank you very much, Miss Kurosawa. Next we'll have our choir sing a short song of remembrance for our dear departed friends and students."

The choir, which had been waiting offstage in the wings, started to file out in front of the teachers, arranging themselves in their usual order, girls in front, boys in back. After all the girls had filed past, and nearly half the boys, Yukari rose up suddenly, and walked off the stage, half crouched, hiding behind the male students as they continued to file on to the stage.

Many of the other teachers watched her leave in confusion, but the principal didn't notice, and no one said anything. Minamo stayed in her seat for a moment longer, then followed Yukari off the stage, reaching the curtains just as the last boy came on stage. She walked toward the stage exit, and saw Yukari sitting down against a wall in the corridor outside the stage, hands covering her face. Minamo stepped into the corridor and closed the door behind her, muffling the choir just as they started to sing.

"I'm sorry, Nyamo," Yukari said, before Minamo could get a word out. "I just couldn't stay in there any longer, it was just too hard... I mean, I understand what you were saying, but I just can't... I just can't let it go, stop thinking about it..." she said, cutting herself off with a sob.

"Yukari... it's ok." Minamo crouched down in front of her friend, putting her hands on Yukari's raised knees. "It's ok. He shouldn't have put you on the spot like that, there's no reason you have to be the one leading us through all of this. We're gonna get through it, ok? Together, I promise."

Yukari uncovered her face, took a deep breath, and laid her head back, staring at the ceiling. She said nothing, but nodded, sniffling.

Minamo stood up, and reached out a hand toward her friend. "Come on, we'll go back to my place. I think we could both use that tea from last night, and a chance to relax." Yukari took her hand, and stood up, a flash of a smile crossing her face for a moment.

"You're going to serve me the exact same tea you made last night?" she asked.

Minamo laughed once, softly. "No. Different tea. New tea. Fresh tea. Better tea."

"Ok," said Yukari, and they walked back to the office to pick up their things, then out the empty hallways and school courtyard, merging into the rest of the evening foot traffic on the street outside just as the rest of the school started to emerge from the auditorium.


	7. Chapter 7

They reached Minamo's apartment within the hour, having just beaten the main crush of commuters headed home. Once there, they shed their shoes and jackets and relaxed on the floor, drinking Minamo's freshly-made tea, watching television and saying nothing, feeling only relief to be relaxed for the time being.

After a few hours, well before her usual bedtime, Minamo yawned, covering her mouth and looking away. Yukari yawned back in sympathy, hugely and unashamedly, a yawn Osaka would have been proud of. Minamo looked over at Yukari, sitting next to her at the coffee table, still watching tv but starting to nod off, by the looks of it.

"Yukari... if you'd like, you can stay here for tonight."

Yukari smiled, nodded, and walked over to the phone to call her parents. Minamo went back into the bathroom to change into pajamas and brush her teeth, and found Yukari, stripped down to her underwear, waiting in her bed when she came out.

Minamo slipped under the covers, took Yukari in her arms and let Yukari kiss her once, on the lips, but things stopped there. They held each other in the dark, and slept within minutes.

And dreamed.

_She was in a high place, she could tell that instantly, even before she looked around to see mountains on the horizon and deep valleys falling away from her. The air was crisper, lighter than anything in the city, and a steady breeze held a hint of something sweet but sharp that she couldn't quite place. Above her head, the sky was a mosaic of soft blue and high, fine clouds that filtered light from a pale sun, which fell everywhere equally, leaving no shadows._

_It was beautiful._

_She walked for a while, following the ridge line up the slope, through small fields of broad, pale flowers that bloomed on the flattish places, jumping over streams of cold, clear water that ran through the fields._

_At the highest, final plateau, she saw the girls._

_At first they were distant figures, their pink uniforms barely visible against the grass and flowers. She drew nearer, but attracted no notice, and heard no noise over the soft sound of the wind. She recognized them all, one by one, Osaka and Yomi and the rest, walking through the fields in pairs or standing and observing the horizon with expressions halfway between contentedness and wonder._

_The scent was still unidentifiable but stronger, ebbing and flowing as the wind gusted around the top of the mountain. She kept her stride constant, steady, becoming more certain that meeting them here was inevitable, was destiny, would explain things and make peace of it all..._

_"Hello."_

_She turned, had time to notice the orange blob for only a moment - odd, narrow limbs that belonged to nothing living, perfectly geometric cones for ears, a red oval for a mouth and flat black eyes - and screamed._

And woke, startling upward for a moment before falling back to the pillow. Yukari rolled over next to her, looking over with concern. "Nyamo?"

"I... I'm sorry, Yukari, it was just... just a bad dream."

Yukari reached over to take her hand and pulled herself up to face Minamo on one elbow. "I know, I've been having them too. The girls... sometimes I'm on the roller coaster with them and we fall, sometimes we're on a bus that I'm driving and we crash, sometimes I'm running towards them, calling them back and..." She trailed off. "Is that what it's like for you?"

Minamo shook her head. "No... no. It was... just a nightmare. A monster, something startled me was all."

"Ah..." Yukari shifted, placing one hand on Minamo's side and using the other to give her leverage to kiss Minamo softly on the lips. "Well, we're up now..."

But Minamo hung back. Unlike last night, she was aware of where they were, who they were, was aware of Shiro and what she had all but promised him, aware that this was something they both had tacitly agreed to give up and move past...

But Yukari was looking at her with a soft expression of need, which she couldn't help but compare with Shiro's blunter expressions of want. Yukari's eyes were dark pools reflecting just a bit of the room's dim light, her brown hair was spread across her neck and shoulders, her pale skin led down to pleasant curves, half hidden under the sheets...

Minamo pushed herself up, kissed Yukari, and pushed her back down to the bed, using one hand to bring the sheets up and wrap them around the two of them.

They stayed there until the sun came up.


	8. Chapter 8

Weeks passed, and a pattern emerged. She went to school, did her job, got off work, went out with Shiro for a drink or dinner or a movie... then came home to find Yukari waiting for her at her apartment, where they'd spend a short hour or two together, talking or watching tv or having a late drink before climbing into Minamo's narrow bed.

And then the cycle began all over again.

No one noticed anything unusual, as far as Minamo could tell. Her relationship with Yukari at school was the same as it had ever been, although Yukari still wasn't completely back to her old self. Yukari's parents knew she was sleeping over at a friend's house at least some of the time - they knew how hard the deaths had hit their daughter, and perhaps they were just glad she had someone she could work through the tragedy with. (Or perhaps they were just happy to have their house to themselves again...)

Shiro was busier than usual at work, and spent much of their time together talking about the stress he was under. Which made things easier for her - she could give herself completely over to him when they were discussing his problems, his needs, his dreams. And discussing the wedding preparations with him reminded her of what her life was supposed to be like: hard-working young teacher gets married to great guy, has kids, lives happily ever after, the end. Nothing about secret affairs with emotionally scarred girlfriends.

Still, a few small things did change on their dates - she found herself ordering bigger meals at restaurants, and taking more of the leftovers home. When Shiro asked, she replied that she was trying to save money for some of the wedding expenses by having the leftovers for lunch the next day... but the leftovers were inevitably given to Yukari when she returned to her apartment, who devoured it like her old self. And after a while, Yukari took to saving a bit of her own dinner - ramen noodles, the only thing Yukari knew how to make - for Minamo when she got home. Sitting at the table, picking at the cold, gummy noodles (Yukari could cook ramen, but not well) and watching Yukari tear through the better part of a Korean barbecue meal, Minamo had to admit, in some small part of herself, that this was the best part of her day.

And it bothered her.

So late one sunny spring afternoon she found herself at a sidewalk cafe, coffee laid out on the table but untouched, all her attention focused on a blank notepad in front of her. She'd left school that day ready to meet Shiro as usual, but he'd called her halfway there to let her know that he wouldn't be able to make it. She'd gotten off the train at an intermediate stop she'd never used before, and wandered through the unfamiliar neighborhoods, intent on finding a place to make use of the time for herself.

She began to write.

_I need to get some things off my chest. _

_I need to write this down. _

_I want, really, really, want somebody to discuss this with, but there's nobody. I can't tell my fiancee because it's about him. I can't tell my best friend because it's about her._

_I spend all my time bouncing between the two of them and I've never felt more alone in my life._

_I want to be there for Yukari. I pretty much have to be there for Yukari, because she doesn't really have anyone else, and the more time goes by, the more I can tell she just doesn't know how to deal with this. If I wasn't with her I don't know what would happen to her, and I care too much about her to let her get hurt if I can help it._

_But... I can't let Yukari run my life. And she has been, almost as long as I've known her. When I make my own choices, like which college to go to, she takes over and makes them her choices, and I get dragged along. And I get dragged along with all of her decisions anyway, because you can't stop Yukari once she's got an idea in her head. _

_All that was fine when we were in high school, and it was ok when we were in college, but we're adults now. We're supposed to be finding guys and settling down and having kids, not spending all our time with each other because she scares away anybody who might try to date either one of us. That's why I agreed to the arranged marriage, to get out from under her, because it's time. _

_It's way past time._

_And Shiro's a good man. He's kind, he cares about me, he's not a drunk or a pervert and he'll be a good father, I think. I could be happy with him._

_I don't love him, I think, but I could be happy with him. And that's ok. He knows that, he's in the same place, and I'm ok with that and he's ok with that, and we were moving forward with that. And I guess we still are, except for Yukari._

_I wish I didn't get dragged back to Yukari._

_It's the girls' fault. I know it's a horrible thing to think, but I can't help it. They were great, and fun, and they made me care about them and they died, even if they didn't mean to, and it hurt me and it crushed Yukari and now I've got this mess to deal with._

_And I miss them too. I miss having them in class, and I miss Yukari being the way she was, and I miss my relationship with Shiro when it was open and honest and I didn't have anything to hide and I had something to look forward to, and nothing to worry about. I want that back, as much of it as I can get._

She stopped, took a deep breath, and stared up at the sky, which had turned a deep indigo while she was writing. The streetlights were coming on, and the restaurant was becoming a little more crowded, but there still wasn't anyone sitting near her, at her corner patio table right next to the sidewalk railing.

She turned back to the paper.

_The sex. It's embarrassing, but I have to talk about the sex here._

_I'm not a lesbian. I'm sure of it. I can't be a lesbian, because I WILL NOT be that stereotype - the butch PE teacher who wears track suits and doesn't go out on dates and doesn't make a big deal of it but sleeps with other women and doesn't get married and doesn't have kids and gets old and retires and there's nobody to look after her, nobody to care about her. I'm not that woman, and I'm not going to be that woman._

_And guys like me! Hitoshi, during that summer three years ago, he was crazy about me. Every night after we went out, we'd sleep together, and I enjoyed it. Admittedly he'd sleep with any other girl too, and that's why we broke up, but he did like me. He thought I was cute, and pretty, and sexy, and I should have a guy who thinks that, shouldn't I?_

_As for the stuff with Yukari... it was just a phase. It's just what kids do, they try things, they experiment. They grow out of it, and that's what we did, that's why we stopped doing it. And yes, I liked it, but I didn't love it... and if I was really a lesbian, I'd love it, right? I'd be crazy for girls, and think about girls all the time, and I'd fall madly in love with girls, and I haven't. It's just been Yukari, she's the only one I've ever done it with, she's the only one I've ever wanted to do it with. But we stopped, and we're only doing it now because she needs somebody, and I'm the only one she's got._

_There's no future with Yukari. There's a future with Shiro. That's the future I want, that's the future I'm supposed to have._

_That's the future I'm going to have._

Minamo stared at the last line for a moment, then put her pen down. She looked up, past the couples and the groups at the table around her, out at the horizon of shops and apartments and houses, not seeing anything, just staring and thinking.

Then she turned to the table next to her, where a man was just lighting up a cigarette, and asked for a match.

She ripped all the pages she'd written out of the notebook, one by one, and tore them into strips, then into squares. Once she was done she put a pile of them into the cheap metal ashtray in the center of the table, reached down, and struck the match on the ground. She cupped the flame with her hands, careful not to let the breeze blow it out, and tossed it in the ashtray, where the paper caught alight.

Other tables in the cafe turned to look at her, at the bright light that had popped up in the dim evening, but she paid them no attention, just kept feeding the torn paper into the fire until it was all gone, in less than a minute. She watched the flame die down into embers, and stirred the ashes with the end of a metal spoon to make sure it was all charred to unreadability. Then she stood, left a generous tip on the table to make up for the mess, and walked out in the street to catch the train back home.

To Yukari.


	9. Chapter 9

"Welcome home!"

Yukari didn't turn from the stove where she was working as Minamo came in, but she did manage to sound extra perky. "I'm trying something extra tonight - gyoza! And you get the first bite."

Minamo realized she hadn't had anything to eat all night, but didn't particularly feel hungry at the moment.

"Yukari, I... didn't bring anything home tonight."

"Then no ramen for you! And only a little of the gyoza. But sit down, it'll just be a minute. Do you want something to drink? Tea, water? I don't think I've drunk all your beer yet..."

"No, no, I'm fine. Just take your time." She put her bag down and sat down at the table, where she could look across and see Yukari working. She wasn't quite back to her old self, but there was some of the energy of the old Yukari coming back, although the domesticity thing was new. She wondered if Yukari might in some odd way be playing house, retreating into some pretend role as Minamo's caretaker to avoid thinking about the girls. Or perhaps it was simpler than that, perhaps she was just trying, in her own inept way, to thank Minamo for being with her.

The damned ramen made things that much harder.

Yukari set a large bowl of noodles at her own place at the table, a plate of inedible-looking gyoza in the middle, and a small plate in front of Minamo. She put down chopsticks, napkins and a cold bottle of beer, and sat down to eat.

"So how was your date with Shiro?" she asked, mouth half-full with a long tangle of noodles that stretched down into the ramen bowl. "Was he too cheap to buy dinner tonight or..."

"Yukari, we have to stop. We have to stop seeing each other like this." Minamo was surprised at herself, surprised at how suddenly she'd said the words, and was so nervous at what Yukari would say or do she was almost trembling. But at least it was said, at least it was done and couldn't be undone.

Yukari stared at her blankly for a moment, noodles still hanging down into the bowl, a few drops of broth starting to collect on her chin and drip down onto her sweater. Then she leaned over the bowl, worked her chopsticks for a moment, and came up with the noodles severed, chewing and swallowing the remainder. She wiped her mouth with a napkin, and set it back down again, her hand trembling as she did so.

"That was... kind of an awkward time to tell me that, Nyamo..."

"I know, I'm sorry, but I just felt like I..."

"No, no, it's ok, I understand. I... I just... c-can I ask why? I mean, is it Shiro? Did he find out? Did I do something wrong to upset you or..." A tear slid down her cheek, and fell onto the carpet.

"Yukari, no, it's nothing like that. You're my friend, and I care about you, and I want to be there for you. And it's not about Shiro... at least, not that way. But he and I are going to get married, and that means that someday, you and I have to stop this. And I already feel guilty about what we've done, he's my fiancee, I shouldn't be... we shouldn't be..."

Yukari leaned over the table and put her face in her hands. Minamo stopped and looked at her, at a loss for words. After a short time that felt much longer, Yukari spoke again in a small voice, not looking up, "But I thought you and I... that you and I, that we had, we were..."

Minamo felt sick to her stomach, but pushed on. "Yukari, what we were doing, it was... it was just because we needed somebody, just for a little bit after the girls died, that's all. And it was good, it was just what I needed, but it has to be over. I mean, we both knew it couldn't last forever, right?"

Yukari said nothing, but her shoulders started to shake silently. Minamo started to reach out and touch Yukari's hand, but Yukari started to breathe deeply, quickly, two, four, five times, and then stopped.

"Ok," she said, and looked up, eyes red and wet but her face set in a determined expression.

"Ok, I... I understand. You're right, Minamo, it couldn't have kept on like that, neither one of us w-wanted that, and it had to end sometime. And no time like the present, right?" She gave Minamo a forced smile, and stood up.

"Yukari, you don't have to go, we can talk..." Minamo said, standing herself.

"No, no, it's easier if I... if I just go now, you know?" Yukari said, starting to pace around the room, collecting her things, not looking at Minamo.

"Can I help? I can get you a bag if you..."

"Nope, nope, I've got everything right here, didn't have that much to begin with, really, see?" Yukari held her belongings in an awkward, unsorted bundle in both arms, things she had brought piece by piece in her bag: spare clothes and shoes, makeup and a hair brush, even an old stuffed toy and a children's action manga Minamo knew Yukari was far too embarrassed to ever read in public.

"You're going to drop that if you try and carry it all the way home like that. Just leave some of it here if you've got to go, it's not like you're never coming back..."

"No!" Yukari yelled, her voice rising and starting to shake. "No, I'm just gonna go. I, I'm gonna leave now because that's what you want because you... you don't li... you don't love me anymore, right?" She sobbed and ran towards the door, stopping to fumble with the knob without dropping anything, finally managing to slam it open, and ran out into the hall.

"Yukari!" Minamo ran out towards the hall, got halfway out the door but caught the doorjamb with one hand, which spun and stopped her in just the right place to watch Yukari bypass the elevator and head down the stairs.

Minamo stood there, listening as Yukari's footfalls and sobs echoed and softened with distance, and absentmindedly reached up with the back of one hand to wipe the tears from her eyes. She looked down and saw that Yukari had dropped her toy on the way out - a raccoon doll with one eye missing and a burst seam along one leg. She picked it up, went inside, and closed and locked the door behind her before sitting down at the table, placing the doll off to one side.

The gyoza were charred black on the outside, cold and soggy on the inside. She forced herself to eat them all, and went to bed.


	10. Chapter 10

She didn't see Yukari at school for the next few days - Yukari wasn't ill, as far as she could tell, so she assumed Yukari was simply avoiding her - and summer break began soon after that.

Another pattern began. In the empty times between coaching the swim team and going out with Shiro, she found herself sitting in bed and staring aimlessly at the ceiling, or out of her balcony window, watching the trains go by and the city shimmer in the summer heat. Occasionally she'd go out for an errand or a run and her mind would drop back into her usual groove, thinking about schedules and chores, work and Shiro, whether she and Yukari should get together for a beach trip before school started again... and then she'd remember what had happened, how there would be no trip to Chiyo-chan's beach house and no Yukari this summer, and stop thinking about anything for a while.

Even Shiro noticed something different, but she managed to turn the conversation back to his work or the wedding without much difficulty, most of the time.

"Actually, I meant to talk to you about... after the wedding," he said one evening over dinner.

"Really?" she said, smiling. "I did pick up something for the wedding night just the other day, as a matter of fact. It was going to be a surprise, but..." She hadn't done any such thing yet, but it was something fun to talk about, and an excuse to get out of the house sometime soon, a nice long shopping trip that'd kill a fair amount of time.

"No, not that... really?" he said, blushing. "No, I meant... once we get back from the honeymoon. Where we're going to live and things like that."

"Oh."

"Mother thinks that we ought to move in with her. She doesn't want me leaving the house now that my father's gone, and she thinks it'll be nice to have the company during the day. I said I'd talk it over with you, that you might have your own ideas about where we want to live."

"Well, I hadn't thought about it a lot, really... I suppose I thought we'd live on our own. I haven't lived with my parents for years, and it'd be odd to go back to having an older parent around... and won't we want our privacy? Can't you just move in to my place? Or we could find somewhere new that we both like..."

"I suppose we could," he said, "But it'll be hard finding a place that's big enough for children, at least one that I can afford."

"Well I can help with the rent, of course. I mean, my place is pretty good and I get by ok on my salary. If we combine our incomes we should be able to get somewhere nice."

"Oh..." Shiro stopped talking for a moment, and stared downward at his plate.

"That makes sense, doesn't it?" she asked, unsure of why Shiro was hesitant.

"No, no, it does... I just thought... well, I suppose we should have discussed it, but... I had thought you'd leave your job after we got married... I thought that was settled, at least that's what my mother said your mother had told her."

Minamo paused, and looked town at her own plate. The subject hadn't even crossed her mind thus far. When she pictured herself married, with kids, of course she thought of herself staying at home, sending her husband and kids off to school while she did housework, cooked dinner, but... it seemed odd, almost unreasonable that she'd have to stop being Miss Kurosawa, stop teaching, stop working with the students and stop seeing Yukari every day. She could see where she was now, see where she wanted to be in the future, but getting from here to there suddenly seemed unimaginable, like lifting off the ground and flying through the air.

Head still down, she gave a gentle laugh. "I... suppose I would stop working eventually, I just hadn't thought about what that meant." She took a breath, and looked across at him. "But of course you're right, it's something that... should happen, shouldn't it? And... I suppose your mother and I can keep each other company during the day, at least until the children are born."

Shiro smiled, and nodded his head. "Yes, that's what I was hoping. She's gotten so lonely since my father passed, it'll be good for her to have the company. And since we don't have to pay rent, we can start working on having children that much sooner!"

"That's... that's right, I suppose."

He reached across the table and took her hand. "I'm so glad we agree. Now all we have to do is set a date and start working out when you'll move in..."

She kept smiling, and listened to him go on about moving logistics, wondering to herself, almost idly, what or who Minamo Kurosawa - Minamo Watanabe before too long - would be without a class to teach.


	11. Chapter 11

The raccoon doll had been staring at her accusingly since Yukari left, moreso in recent days, now that she knew she'd be leaving school soon. Before the discussion with Shiro, it had been easy enough to tell herself that she'd see Yukari at school eventually, and in the meantime Yukari surely didn't need her toy back that badly. But now... well, she'd still probably be at school for a month or so between the end of summer break and the wedding, but it felt important to return the raccoon sooner rather than later.

And perhaps she could just causally mention to Yukari that she'd be leaving school while she was doing it.

The exact when was harder to figure out - she wasn't sure when Yukari got home, or if she went out in the evenings these days. She didn't want to bother Yukari's parents or interrupt them at dinner, and she didn't want to call Yukari on the phone only to be told to just put it in the mail or something.

But the raccoon's stare didn't let up, and so she found herself knocking at Yukari's door a week before school began again, at seven thirty in the evening, hoping it would be Yukari who answered.

It was.

"Hel-" Yukari started, in a dull, unenthusiastic tone, and then recognized Minamo. "Oh, it's you..."

Minamo smiled nervously and held out the raccoon to Yukari. "Um, hi... I was just in the neighborhood, thought you might want this."

"Oh, I'd... pretty much forgotten about it. But thanks, I guess," she said, reaching out and taking the toy. Minamo couldn't help but notice, however, that consciously or not, how Yukari hugged the doll with one arm and gently stroked it with the other.

"Sure, like I said, I was just in the neighborhood... How are things?"

"Fine, no problems," Yukari replied, and sighed, staring down at the doorstop for a moment. "If you'd like to come in, have something to drink..."

"Oh, thank you! That would be wonderful!" Minamo's voice sounded far too excited to her own ears, but hopefully it wasn't something Yukari had noticed. "It's just so hot out today..."

Yukari shrugged, and stood aside for Minamo, closing the door behind her. She started off for the kitchen, calling out over her shoulder, "My parents are on vacation in Kyoto, so it's just us here."

The kitchen table was covered with loose paper and take-out boxes, soda cans and beer bottles. Yukari shoveled a clearing out in front of a chair and gestured for Minamo to sit, then walked to the refrigerator. "Any preference? We have fruit juice, water, beer..."

"Juice is fine, thanks."

Yukari returned with two chilled cans, placed one in front of Yukari and shoveled a place at the table for herself before sitting down. "Sorry it's such a mess. I was going to have it cleaned before my parents returned, and I wasn't expecting company in the meantime."

"It's fine, no problem." Minamo took a sip of her drink and stared down at the table, unsure of how to start.

"Minamo..."

"Yukari..."

They spoke at the same time, paused, and Yukari shook her head, smiling. "It's ok, you go first."

"Well, I... just wanted to see how you were doing. I mean, I've been worried about you, after the way we left things and I haven't seen you all summer, and... I've missed you, Yukari."

Yukari nodded. "I know, I've missed you too. I just... had to take some time, figure some things out..."

"And, I wanted to say, wanted to tell you," Minamo interrupted before Yukari could start speaking again, "That, um, Shiro and I have set a date. September 30th. And he says... I mean, we've decided that I'm gonna stop working, so I'll be leaving school..."

"Ah." Yukari paused a moment. "That's... pretty big news. Anything else you need to tell me?"

"No, no, I just... I felt like I should tell you, in person. Because we may not see each other in school anymore, but I don't want to lose touch. I mean, Yukari, I..." She didn't know what more to say, but reached out across the table and took Yukari's hand.

Yukari smiled sadly, and squeezed Minamo's hand back before disengaging and leaning back in her chair. "I'm glad you feel that way, Nyamo. And I don't want to lose touch either, but I've got some things I've got to tell you, too. In fact, here, let me show you..."

Yukari leaned over and started searching through the clutter on the table before pulling out a large map of Japan and a thick stack of papers, which she placed between her and Minamo. She turned the map so that it faced Minamo, and started tracing her finger along the northwestern coast of Honshu. "I think it's... yeah, right here," she said, pointing at a small speck of a village with a tiny name Minamo couldn't even read from three feet away. "That's where I'm going."

"Where you're going? For what? Is it for vacation, or-"

"No, I'm moving there, Nyamo. Permanently. To teach school."

"You're leaving Tokyo? Why? Was it something... was it what I said? Yukari I'm so sorry, I didn't-"

"No, no, it's ok," Yukari said, reaching out and taking her hand. "It's not anything you did, really. It's just... I've had a lot of time to think recently. And what I figured out is that... when they died, I couldn't go on being who I used to be. I never used to think about death, or worry about bad things happening or anything like that. All I had to concentrate on was getting through the day, dealing with the regular crap we go through and getting what I wanted out of life... which wasn't much, now that I look back on it."

"But now... I can't stop thinking about those girls dying, Nyamo. I can't get it out of my head, and I can't go back to the point in my life where the high point of my day was going out drinking or having korean barbecue for dinner. And when we were together I could pretend that I was doing more, I could pretend that you and I were building some kind of life together. But I know that's not what you want, Nyamo, and I wasn't being fair to you. I was clinging on to someone who didn't want me back the same way, and... it just wasn't right."

"But... you're leaving Tokyo? Permanently?" Minamo could feel a tremble entering her voice, but couldn't force it out, either.

"Nyamo, I just... I can't be who I used to be. And I was reading, I don't know what, but I read about these little towns - they don't have many kids left, the population keeps moving away, but all the teachers are retiring and they always have positions that need filling. They need someone new and I need to _be_ someone new, and... I just need you to understand, Nyamo. I know it's hard, but you're getting a new life, and I need to do the same thing, you see?"

Minamo felt a fat, warm tear slide down the side of her cheek, and she quickly wiped it away with her sleeve. "I... I'm sorry, Yukari, I just don't know what to say. I think I better go..." She stood up, suddenly, and Yukari watched her but didn't make any move to get up herself. They stared at each other for a second, Minamo knowing her expression was raw and hurt but not able to do anything about it, Yukari's expression sad, but resigned. She grabbed her purse, and headed towards the front door. Just as she reached the entryway, and was stepping into her shoes, she heard Yukari's voice coming from the kitchen behind her.

"Nyamo, wait, I... look, I know I don't have any right to tell you this, but I can't let you go without letting you know, I couldn't live with myself, I just..." She sighed, and stepped into the entryway behind Minamo. "The school I'm going to, they... they have an opening for a PE teacher as well."

Minamo turned to look back at her for a moment, unsure of what she meant, of why Yukari was telling her this... and then it clicked. She stared blankly at Yukari, completely at a loss for words, then turned and walked out the door, closing it behind her, saying nothing, thinking nothing, feeling nothing.


	12. Chapter 12

Minamo made it back home late that evening. She'd started to walk back from Yukari's place, thinking she'd skip the train and go all the way back on foot, anything to avoid sitting and brooding about what Yukari had told her. But she'd become more and more lost in an unfamiliar neighborhood, and hadn't fully realized it until it was well past dark. She'd eventually hailed a taxi, but the driver hadn't known the way to her neighborhood, and they'd spent nearly an hour just finding a part of town that she could find her way home from.

Once home she made some tea and drank it down thirstily, suddenly realizing how dehydrated she'd become. Her mind kept trying to approach the idea of Yukari leaving, of her friend teaching in some tiny little schoolhouse in a cold, windy village while she was stuck in Tokyo, watching soap operas with Shiro's mom, waiting for him to come home... but it didn't make sense. Whatever attraction the idea of getting married held wasn't in place tonight - she couldn't help but think of Shiro's house as an empty, alien place, and only felt a dull ache when she thought of Yukari hundreds of miles away.

After a while, she realized it was well past midnight. She didn't feel tired, but couldn't imagine staying up much longer, so she turned off the lights, stripped off her clothes, and fell into bed, waiting for sleep and dreams to come.

They did.

_She was in the high place again, in the mountains with the flowers and the sky and the pale, soothing light. _

_She knew, at some level, that she was supposed to climb the mountain again, find the girls, and talk to them... but she let herself stand for a few minutes, eyes closed, feeling the crisp wind against her hair and skin and letting the peace and quiet wash over her._

_Then she began to walk._

_As she got closer to the top of the mountain, she slowed down, worried about the orange blob from before, looking scanning the path ahead of her and the fields around her to make sure it didn't sneak up on her like before. But she saw only the girls in the distance, some of them running through the fields, some standing, some walking, and among them, waving to them perhaps, the orange thing._

_It seemed harmless enough at the moment._

_Ahead of her, two figures were approaching, a girl and an animal that resolved themselves into Chiyo and Mr. Tadakichi, Chiyo's dog. They came close to Minamo, and stopped, with Chiyo smiling up at her._

_"Chiyo? Is... is that you?"_

_Chiyo simply smiled, nodded, and suddenly stepped forward to hug Minamo, who rocked briefly in surprise. After a moment she found herself embracing Chiyo back, feeling the warmth and solidity of her, at peace once more. _

_After a while - she couldn't tell how long - they separated and Chiyo looked up at her. "It's very nice to see you again, Miss Kurosawa."_

_"It's wonderful to see you again, Chiyo. I've missed you all very much. It's so nice to be..." she took a moment to look around "... here with you, wherever this is. It's beautiful..."_

_Chiyo smiled. "Thank you, but this is mostly your doing, I think," she said, waving at the mountains around them._

_"My doing?" _

_"At least it's here because you're here. This place is... well, you know the Uncertainty Principle in physics? Schrodinger's Cat?" Seeing Minamo's blank expression, she laughed, and continued. "This doesn't look like anything by itself; everybody sees something different when they look at it. And some of that bleeds through, so I see a little of what you see, and vice versa. Ok?"_

_Chiyo turned and pointed at Sakaki and Kaorin in the distance, walking side by side through the mountain fields. "See, Miss Sakaki sees a world full of cute things - cats, mostly, but also puppies and ducks and stuff. So she's happy. And Karoin's beside her, and she sees the cute stuff too, but mostly what she sees is Miss Sakaki walking along side her, so she's happy. You'd see what they see if you were a little closer to them. And then there's that orange cat demon thing, which I _think_ is from Osaka's head..."_

_Minamo blinked, and looked back at Chiyo. "So this is... heaven, Chiyo-chan?"_

_Chiyo shook her head. "I don't know. After we... well, after, we found ourselves here. Nobody told us anything, but I've figured out some things just from observation. And we've met other people here that we used to know, although I think they were dreaming at the time. I suppose they forget when they wake up..."_

_"So I'm dreaming?"_

_"I think so." Chiyo waved her arms at the mountains and sky again. "And this, I think it has to come from you. I don't remember anywhere like this in my life, although I wish I had."_

_Minamo stopped and stared, and all at once felt a shiver of memory run down her spine - the sudden feeling of being ten years old, visiting her aunt and uncle in Hokkaido, a city girl thinking, feeling that even the modest mountains around their country home were high as the heavens and as endless as the world._

_And everywhere, then and now, the scent of wild raspberries._

_"I remember. This _is_ my place. _I_ brought it here... wow." She staggered briefly at the realization, and, as she regained her footing, Chiyo took her hand and looked up with her with a slightly sad and terribly wise expression._

_"And that's what I think you need to understand, Miss Kurosawa. There is nothing here for us that we didn't bring ourselves. We didn't live bad or unhappy lives, but... there's so much we didn't get to experience, and now we never will. I don't know if this is forever, but for me, for us, this is all we'll ever have - no memories of boys, or of children, or of..." Chiyo stopped, and sighed._

_"And if you end up here, Miss Kurosawa... and I think everybody does, eventually... then there won't be anything here that you don't have back in life. So fit as much as you can of the good stuff while you can, because someday there'll just be... this. Whatever you choose to make of it."_

_Minamo froze a moment while Chiyo's words and all their implications started to sink in. "Chiyo, I... I'm... thank you, I'm so sorry, I..."_

_Chiyo stepped forward and hugged her again, fast and hard, and then stepped back once more. "It's ok, Miss Kurosawa. We have each other, and now, thanks to you, we have the memory of this place. And this smell, of, of..."_

_"Raspberries."_

_Chiyo smiled. "Raspberries. Thank you, Miss Kurosawa."_

And Minamo snapped awake well before sunrise in her dark apartment, with the scent of raspberries in her nose and the words "You're welcome" on her lips.


	13. Chapter 13

A few days later Minamo was back at the quiet bar located halfway between her school and Shiro's office, waiting for him. She'd dressed up a little for the occasion, wearing the same somber outfit she'd worn for the girls' memorial at school. And in front of her, on the table, Shiro's engagement ring, back in its little gem box.

_Like a coffin in a memorial service_, she thought.

Still, as Shiro entered the bar, she crossed her hands in front of the box and palmed it as she stood to kiss him, uncertain of how to start.

So Shiro got a good two or three minutes into recapping his day before she suddenly cut him off, pushed the ring box across the table, and said "Shiro, I have to break of the engagement."

Shiro paused, said nothing, but looked down and opened the box, staring at the engagement ring before looking back at her with no expression. She pushed on.

"I know this is sudden and a shock and I'm sorry it's going to mess up all your plans and I'll do whatever I can to make it up to you. I'll pay all the deposits off and I'll personally apologize to your parents and anyone else you need me to and I'll..."

"Minamo... why? Why are you breaking it off?"

She paused, and felt her ears go red and her eyes tear up simultaneously, and wished, more than anything, that she was somewhere else and that she didn't have to do this.

"I..." she tried, but couldn't get the words out.

"Is there something wrong with me? Is there a problem I can fix, Minamo?"

She shook her head, swallowed, and tried again.

"No, Shiro, it's not you, it's me, it's... I... there's... there's someone else."

She looked away from him as she said it, but then forced herself to meet his eyes.

"Who?"

_Big breath, Minamo, one more push and it'll all be out in the open_, she thought.

"It's Yukari. My friend from school. She's going to leave Tokyo and move up north and I'm going with her to teach."

"Your... friend? Minamo, I don't understand, why are you breaking off the engagement for this? If you want to move up north, we can at least talk about it, there's no reason to break everything off just because... I mean, it's not as if..." A sudden, subtle look of realization crossed Shiro's face. "Minamo, are you... gay? Is this what you're telling me?"

Tears started spilling down her face, fat and hot, pausing at her cheeks before spilling down onto her neck and her blouse. She hurredly wiped them off with the back of her wrist, took another deep breath, and nodded.

"Y... yes. I mean, I don't think I'm gay for everyone, I mean..." she shook her head and tried to focus. "I don't like women more than men, but I do like... I love Yukari. And I want to be with her more than anything, and that's why I have to break with you. Pl- please forgive me, Shiro!"

And she broke down crying on the table, head in her arms, waiting for Shiro to react and the worst to happen. In her mind she saw Shiro rising from the table, starting to scream his rage and disappointment with her, throwing things at her head as she remained head down, because she deserved it after what she'd done to him...

There was the sound of a chair being moved around the table, and a pause, and an arm around her and Shiro saing "It's alright, Minamo. I understand."

She lifted her head in surprise, in hope that she'd gotten luckier than she deserved. Shiro smiled - a sad smile, but smile nonetheless - and continued.

"I can't say I saw this coming with Yukari, of all people, but for a long time now I've been concerned that an arranged marriage like this might be a problem if one of us ever found... well, true love is the best term." He sighed, and continued.

"I'm a simple man, Minamo, and at the end of the day I just want someone I can get along with, someone who'll support me like I support them. And I thought that's what you wanted, and I thought we were a good match because of that. But if that's not what you want - if you need to be with someone else - then it's not fair for me to try and hold you back. And I'd rather find out now than after we're married, or after we have children."

"Besides," he said, opening up the ring box again and looking inside, "You gave me this back, you're paying all the deposits - " Minamo nodded vigorously " - and there are plenty of other women who are still looking for arranged marriages. All I have to do is worry about telling mother."

"Shiro... if you want, I can tell her, let her blame me, however you want to do it..."

Shiro laughed and shook his head. "Don't take this the wrong way, Minamo, but... my mother was never exactly crazy about you. And it was a hard sell getting her to agree to have us move in with her. She'll be relieved, more than anything."

"She didn't want us to move in? But you said..."

Shiro smiled again. "You're not the only one who's had drama going on in the background, Minamo. But don't worry about it... you're off the hook, right?"

She wiped her tears away again and nodded, then tentatively reached out to Shiro for a hug. For a moment she let herself relax in his arms, feeling his warmth and inhaling his scent for what she knew was the last time.

Shiro stepped away and maked excuses that he had to leave; she offered to get the check and he nodded, taking his coat and heading out. But he stopped and called out over his shoulder as he was halfway out the door, "Minamo... does she love you back? The same way?"

She paused and smiled a moment, even as a jolt went through her stomach as she realized she didn't honestly know the answer. But she nodded and put up a brave face for Shiro's sake - she'd closed that door for good now, and there's no reason to let him know that it was for anything other than a sure thing. "I think she might love me even more, actually. I just have to be worthy of it."

Shiro nodded, and walked away down the street. A minute later she was out the door herself, headed the opposite direction.

Towards Yukari.


	14. Chapter 14

Minamo walked quickly from the train station to Yukari's parents' house, not realizing until she got there that she was sweating, hair disheveled, heart pounding. She took a moment to rest in the evening shade, trying to pat her face and neck dry with a handkerchief, waiting for her breathing to relax and her pulse to slow down... but realized after a minute that it wasn't just the exercise of getting here so quickly that was making her this way.

She took two, three deep breaths, walked up to the door, and knocked.

Yukari's mother answered, smiling in delight at seeing Minamo for the first time in months. Almost before Minamo could say anything, she found herself seated in the Tanizaki living room, a cold glass of water in her hand as Yukari's mother quizzed her about her engagement, her parents, her teaching, everything but what Minamo wanted to talk about, which was where Yukari was, and could she please speak to her?

After about ten solid minutes of polite chit-chat, Minamo was finally ready to interrupt Yukari's mother when Yukari herself walked into the living room, and stood perfectly still, staring at Minamo sitting on the couch.

However nervous Minamo had been before, her heart was thrashing around in her chest a dozen times harder now. Her mouth went dry thinking of all the ways to say what she wanted to say, all the hundreds of ways it could go perfectly right or horribly wrong because of her, because of Yukari, her whole life up until now and her future stretching forward focused on this single moment...

...and she saw Yukari's eyes, and knew in a fraction of a second that Yukari knew, and accepted her, and everything would be ok.

She stood up suddenly, almost letting the ice water in her glass spill on the carpet, and blurted out, "Yukari, could I talk to you for a minute?"

Yukari's mother didn't have a chance to say anything before Yukari answered back, "Yes, absolutely, let's go upstairs for some privacy."

She walked over, took Minamo's hand, and was dragging her up the stairs before her mother could do more than stammer, "Yukari, are you sure you wouldn't like to talk down here? I can bring out some-"

*slam*

"...cookies?"

Once inside, Minamo walked to the middle of Yukari's room and turned to face her as Yukari locked the door and stood a moment, looking at her.

They spoke at the same time.

"Yukari, I left Shiro, the engagement's over, I want to come with you-"

"Nyamo, did you leave him? Are you coming with me? I didn't think-"

And they stopped, and simply stared at each other for a long moment, each slowly grinning more and more widely until Yukari let loose a loud shriek and ran forward to catch Minamo in her arms, knocking her backwards on to Yukari's bed. Minamo didn't have time to catch her breath before Yukari kissed her fiercely, first on the lips, then on the forehead and cheeks and neck and then everywhere as Minamo started to laugh deliriously, a laugh that only intensified as Yukari's mother knocked on the door and rattled the knob a minute later, asking if everything was alright.

She quieted down enough for Yukari to yell out everything was fine, and they stayed silent, trembling for half a minute as they waited for Yukari's mother to walk away, and her footsteps to diminish as she moved down the stairs to the bottom of the house.

And then they began stripping, kissing, touching and moving together and making love, no hesitation or uncertainty, things coming together quickly and perfectly until they both came, shaking, silently, eyes closed, foreheads pressed together, the only thing more powerful than the endorphin rush through Minamo's body the feeling of peace in her mind and in her heart, knowing they were, if only for a moment, perfect.


	15. Chapter 15

They took the scenic route through the mountains once they got out of Tokyo; Minamo demanding that she drive and holding firm no matter how much Yukari whined and pouted and complained that it was _her_ car, Nyamo.

But eventually Yukari changed to something approaching her old self, chattering about a dozen inane things an hour as they moved past cars and trucks on the freeway, then onto back roads that wound up past rolling hills to the foot of the mountains proper.

As they started to hit the switchback curves for what some website had called one of the most scenic mountain drives in all of Japan, Yukari stopped talking so much, and then at all, as she simply stared out the window at the hills and valleys falling away beneath them, and the snow-covered peaks rising to meet them ahead.

Minamo mostly concentrated on the curves and not getting too close to the guard rails on the sides... but every once in a while she'd let her eyes seek out the same vistas Yukari was looking at, seeing where she'd been and where she was going and, through the car's open moonroof, a glorious blue sky with high, fine clouds stretched out like spun diamonds.

At the top of the switchbacks they stopped at a scenic overlook and parked, just the two of them alone, silently staring out at what looked like the whole world at their feet, taking a moment to hold hands and breathe in the cold, pure, sweet air that streamed ceaselessly down through the mountains.

Finally Yukari reached over and gave Minamo a quick squeeze, and a kiss on the cheek before heading back to the car; Minamo took one more look back at where they'd come from before following her.

Just before climbing into the passenger seat, Yukari pointed out some of the shrubs that lined the side of the gravel parking lot, showing tiny white flowers in the midst of broad green leaves. "Nyamo, do you recognize that smell? Seems... familiar, doesn't it?"

Minamo stopped and stared a moment, then smiled. "They're raspberries, Yukari," she said.

And they drove further up through the pass, flying up into a blue sky that stretched out forever.

End.


End file.
